I know I don’t talk about my relationship that often, but this past week I’ve sort of come out (in a few different ways) with the fact that I’m not in a scening BDSM relationship, I’m in a 24/7 one. Partly, I had to explain that my husband dragged me off the computer on Tuesday, I wasn’t allowed online for 2 days except to go on Google Scholar, and I now only have three hours on Facebook between Friday and Monday unless my thesis is finished before then, because I got in trouble for not focussing on my work. I brought it on myself. There’s a stopwatch beside my laptop telling me I have 2 hours, 8 minutes of that Facebook time left. Usually, however, my relationship isn’t this obvious.
I’m not supposed to wear my collar every day, and a lot of the time my life looks (mostly) like other people’s. If you visited my house, you might find it strange that I always kneel on the floor to eat meals, and a few other similar things, but to all intents and purposes we’re just two people.
Where it comes into the foreground is when I misbehave. My husband won’t do anything overt (e.g. spanking) in public because, obviously, the public haven’t consented to being part of anything, and they would quite probably be distressed if they saw me upended over his knee on a park bench (not that he hasn’t done that, just not while there was anyone around).
This week, however, I’ve been a complete and utter brat for no better reason than because I’m ridiculously stressed and, being a type A, I can’t let go of the work I’m trying to get done, but I can’t let go of all my day-to-day tasks, either. I had a meltdown yesterday because he had to take over making lunch after I’d started (I wrecked an egg, then I wrecked a second one immediately after).
On an intellectual level, I know it’s ridiculous, but I always feel like it’s a fundamental failure if I can’t get the submissive stuff done, because that should always be my number one priority. At the end of the day, it’s the permanent thing that underpins my entire existence and I feel like I’m having to let things go a little at a time when I need structure and discipline more than ever, because of the pressure I’m currently under.
The day before yesterday, I yelled at him to shut up when he was feeding the rabbits because it interrupted my train of thought while I was writing a paragraph of dense academic discourse. It’s not okay. I know I shouldn’t behave like this. I can do better. That was immediately before bed on Thursday and he was too tired to punish me. I told him that meant I’d gotten away with it because he *always* forgets if he doesn’t do it immediately. He told me he was going to do it first thing in the morning. I was like, “go on then,” but I was sure he would put it off again.
Friday morning, I awakened to the covers being hurriedly whipped off me. Then pain exploded across my bottom (I sleep on my front). I pulled my earplugs out in time to hear the second stroke of the cane landing on my bottom, and buried my face in my pillow so no-one heard me. He went for ten strokes, then told me there’d be another ten if I didn’t get up *right now*.
So I did.
For half the day this made me feel reassured and well-behaved. Then the incident with the eggs happened. To be fair, I did figure out much later that I’d gotten so upset because I was trying to make him lunch, trying to help him when he had a busy day fixing things in the garden before the new people move into our house, and I wanted to take some of that stress off him because I feel really bad about the fact my academic demands currently mean I can’t do any repairing or much cleaning. That’s on top of the fact I’m a DIY disaster. In hindsight, getting so upset that my cooked eggs went wrong, and running upstairs and crying in bed when I *know* I’m supposed to sit on the stairs when I’m too upset to do something wasn’t my best move. He was actually going to let me off all of that because I got back downstairs before he counted to 10. But later in the day, my emotions got the better of me again and I stupidly lost it over some gravy. So I got spanked on the spot then told he was going to do it later, as well.
Later came, he was too sleepy. This time, I *knew* what was coming in the morning but I actually dropped off to sleep easier. So, again, this morning, I got awoken with the covers being pulled off and the cane landing on my rear. It was twenty strokes today, of the big cane. Sitting is progressively getting harder.
Then, at lunchtime today, I managed to throw a cuddly unicorn at him. It was stupid, I know that. I’m not 6. My behavior seems to regress to it when I’m under a lot of stress, though, and so I’m currently flipping between asking his opinion on my interpretation of postmodernist feminist theory and throwing unicorns at him.
So I got spanked more at lunchtime. At least he’s been aware this week that what I really, really need is structure and certainty, and unlike other times in the past when I’ve been mentally falling apart, this time, he hasn’t backed off and avoided me, he’s challenging me every time, and I’m responding better to it. It’s defusing quickly, and after each spanking I have to apologise, explain what I am apologising for, and thank him.
I’m in a LOT more trouble this week than I have been for about a year, and it’s probably going to get worse before it gets better, but I’m feeling significantly less distressed than I usually do under extreme stress, and I feel like I’m making more effort to behave better, and more than that, I feel like I’m achieving it. I’m not behaving perfectly yet, and maybe I won’t until all this academic stuff is over, but at least I’m not falling apart, and I’m so grateful that he is facilitating this at the moment because otherwise I’d be crying under my desk and burning copies of Foucault whilst cursing the dumb pretentious philosophy dude in all my favorite French cuss words at this point (I know, irony).
Additionally, you should totally check out Jaye Elise’s blog; she’s started a series where she interviews erotica/erotic romance authors and I had the excitement of being featured on there this week! Thank-you Jaye! Find her blog here: https://jayeelisewrites.wordpress.com/2017/07/29/triple-play-qa-with-katie-douglas/
Also, here’s my latest YouTube video. I recorded it in May and saved it because I knew this month or last month would be too hectic to make a video. It’s an excerpt from His Naughty Little Housewife which is also sort of ironic, given my current situation.
What do you mean that’s not irony? Stop watching Castle already (sidenote: have you seen Castle? It’s great)!
Lots of love,