It won’t fit!

So we are immigrating to Asia soon, and our house has been a flurry of activity (which is why I’m not getting this blog updated as many times as I’d like), alongside my nearly-finished MSc thesis and the two books I’m editing before I send them in (you’re gonna LOVE these).

Anyway, one issue we’ve had is that we’ve been taking stock of our sex toys. Restraints, buzzy things, swishy things, hitty things (that feather on a stick that seemed like SUCH a great idea but only got used twice then hung up as a decoration)… we had about four big stacking crates, and a homemade cane stand the size of one of those umbrella stands.

Long story short… it won’t fit. We can’t put all of it into a suitcase and get it to the other end, even IF we didn’t want to wear clothes or shoes, or read real books written in English when we arrived. My suitcase is mostly books and shoes, as I suspect these are the things I’ll struggle to find (I have hulking great ginormous feet). On top of that, some of it was getting old, some of it was stuff he had before he got me, and some of it never quite did what it was supposed to. I know, domly doms aren’t supposed to buy sex toys that don’t do what they said on their online listing, but it happens to all of us from time to time, and sometimes you don’t find out until LONG after the returns date has passed.

I digress.

We have to get rid of all this stuff and pare down to the essentials. At this point, I could list on one hand the stuff we use more than once a week, and on two hands the stuff we use monthly. We’re at a point where we know what works best so we tend to gravitate towards that. I’ve already chucked out about 50 liters of defunct sex toys, old rope, out of date lube (I am chronically indecisive; when I want to try something new, if I can afford it, I tend to buy a selection then stick with my favorite FOREVER, and if I can’t afford it, I don’t buy any because the decision is too hard) etc. Unfortunately, we lost two canes already this year. He broke one when he hit me with it too hard and it snapped, and I broke one when I reached back and snapped it and I STILL DON’T KNOW WHY I DID IT. Then a third cane somehow got deformed in the place we keep them, and now it doesn’t cane so good. So we’re down to one cane. At the same time, our riding crop is showing serious signs of wear and the shiny leather surface has worn through in many places to that green-gray suede-like stuff underneath.

So, on our way back from a wedding, we found ourselves in a sex shop off the side of the A1(M) motorway last week (as one is wont to do). This place was huge, it had entire aisles of things.

While I was getting excited over the possibilities of getting one of those giant inflating butt plugs, my husband was weighing up the merits of the unanswerable question: Cane or crop? So he summoned me over and I was still holding a remote control vibe I’d found that looked like awesome fun, and he made me hold out my hand in the shop and SMACK! That riding crop was SERIOUS. I don’t know if ours has softened over the years or if it was ever as hard as that one but holy smokes, my hand had a red welt on it for ages after and driving the car the rest of the way home was entertaining to say the least (I mean, I was literally giggling). The lady behind the counter was highly amused, and I suspect we’re not the first people to try implements out in the shop. And I didn’t test that inflating butt plug.

Did I mention he was wearing a 3 piece suit with a waistcoat and I was in one of those wedding guest dresses (no hat. Fancy hats do NOT suit me)?

What did he buy? Both. Cane and crop. Brand new. Super-mean. And they fit in our suitcases.

I hope Asia has lots of soft squishy cushions to sit on.